


A Dull Ache

by soulgusttheguardian



Series: Drabbles that won't be finished [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Attempted Angst, Gen, Levi's team doesn't show up in tags sooooo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-10 12:37:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulgusttheguardian/pseuds/soulgusttheguardian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi thinks after returning from the 57th mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Dull Ache

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers Ahead!!!

I saw him before he had noticed me.

_Please don't._

He was full of a longing, searching light in his eyes. I saw the hope, saw the love and pride. And I could practically hear the praises-

_"My daughter! My dear little girl- she has been accepted!"_

I clenched my jaw. My cloak fluttered behind as the tension rising in my shoulders caused wind to flow between it and my back.

_"She was asked to work in an Elite corps with Captain himself."_

Now I felt those eyes on me and I hurried as fast as I could force myself with the shaking in my knees and clammy skin.

 _Get a grip!_ I reprimanded myself

The crowd paid me no mind as he approached, and suddenly I felt myself wishing for a Titan if only to get out of this conversation.

_Why?_

_Why did they have to do that? How did it even happen?_

I wanted so desperately to know.

How had that look- that face of absolute stillness- come across such a lively person's face?

_"Not Erwin, no. I'm talking about-"_

"Captain Levi!"

My heart stopped.

_Force it down, force it down-_

I clenched my fists and prayed my expression gave nothing away. Even though somewhere I knew that that wasn't the case.

_Deliver the facts. That's all. You don't owe him anything else. They both knew what they were getting into and the risks-_

I thought about them though. They had never had trouble before. Never.

How had all four of them-

This was impossible. It wasn't real. _That's it. That's it! This was a dream._ Only a dream and I would wake up and have to listen to Auruo bragging and Petra belittling him while Gunter just rolled his eyes and Erd pretended he couldn't hear them. Hanji would run in while they were having tea and rant over Titan feet and I would sip my drink and pleasantly ignore the rest of their disgusted faces.

"... And I know she is still young and anything could happen, and it's perhaps too early to think about marriage but... "

I tuned out the rest; felt my breath hitch, felt my head spinning. 

Suddenly a lot of things made sense.

-

When we made it back to the Headquarters, I found myself wandering the halls in circles. This empty feeling in my chest wasn't something I was used to. I had always preached about shoving emotions aside to avoid furthering casualties with the distraction they caused, and had always told everyone that mindset was for the best. I had hurt people before for showing too much emotion and pissing me off, and while it had been needed, it was no good for me to say things like that if I turned around and became a wreck over it.

The reaction though, suddenly made sense.

I understood the look on Erwin's face when we counted off dead soldiers, I understood the reason the recruits curled up on themselves after their first battle. I just couldn't believe that it had taken me this long to get it.

Took losing all my friends.

I stumbled and my shoulder hit the wall mutely. One of my hands cupped my mouth, but I refused to shut my eyes to force back any tears that may or may not have been forming. 

_It hurts._

It had been a long time since I had let myself feel like this. Let myself wonder and regret.

_Make it stop._

_Just please come back. Storm through that door yelling and go silent when you see me-_

Erwin's familiar footsteps passed but thankfully he didn't stop to bother me. I exhaled softly; slid down the wall.

"I'm sorry I couldn't bring them home." I murmured. "I'm sorry."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I tried to write angst buuuut. sort of failed.


End file.
